Bondage 101
Things to consider when getting started
Not sure how to get started in Bondage? It can be exciting for both partners, but many of the bondage and sex toys used in BDSM or bondage sex have some risk or danger of injury associated with them and should be used with care.
A lot of couples experiment with some form of bondage or BDSM at one point or another. Most indulge occasionally to spice up their regular (vanilla) sex life. BDSM and bondage can be incredibly erotic. Some enjoy it so much, they make it their lifestyle often expanding into Dominance and Submission (D/s) or consensual sex slavery. But every leather clad Domme and Dom and collared slave started somewhere. This article is aimed at those of you just starting to explore bondage sex play, either on it's own or as part of a BDSM scene. Keep it safe
First off, all bondage play must be safe, sane and consensual. Never engage in any bondage activities with someone you do not know or if under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Make sure you trust your partner completely. I strongly recommend you wait until you've dated someone for several months before exploring the kinkier side of sex. Most BDSM play involves toys and techniques that give pain leading up to pleasure including spanking, domination, humiliation, electrosex and bondage. It is very easy for someone to cross the line and get emotionally or physically hurt, so find a caring partner you trust before starting.
Talk first, then play
Before engaging in your first bondage session, discuss exactly what you and your partner want and don't want. The person that will be taking control (the Dominant) must know the limits of their partner (the submissive) and vice versa. Some people cannot stand being restrained so bondage may have to be kept light with minimal restraint. Some have a fear of something or places or ways they cannot stand to be touched. Knowing your partner means you should know some of these limits, but take a look at some BDSM sites, books or movies and discuss things - what really turns you both on or turns you off. And the Dominant may have their limits too - the submissive must take care not to push too much to make them angry or otherwise forget the play part of the scene. An increasing sense of vulnerability is experienced by the submissive partner. Learning how to handle this vulnerability is the key to successful BDSM. This sense of vulnerability increases if you gag, cuff or blindfold the partner. Humiliation is often a part of D/s control, but something you and your partner may not be emotionally ready to handle it. Humiliation and teasing are fine as long as you know each other and know that it is only part of the scene.
Know when to slow down or stop
Establish a safe word - a word the submissive will use if things are too intense for them and they have to slow down or stop. Many people use "yellow" for a code word to back off a bit or "red" for the signal to stop. As some BDSM toys such as gags prevent the submissive from speaking clearly, you should also establish a safe signal - a hand signal or other way to tell your partner when they need to stop or back off. The Dominant must respect these signals or words and slow down or stop.
Start slowly with simple toys first
Sex Toy stores like ours have a LOT of bondage toys and it's easy for beginners to want to try it all. But take your time. Start slowly. Try things out with simple, around the house objects. Cloth remnants from your local craft store can be a cheap and easy way to test the bondage ropes so to speak (look for soft fabrics that won't abrade if your submissive struggles a bit - stay away from rope). Make sure you have scissors handy to cut your partner out of the bonds in an emergency or if they use the safe word. Bondage beginners kits are a great, economical idea to get started with, expanding your toy collection over time.
Know your sex toys
Choose only those bondage sex toys that you and your partner are comfortable with. Avoid toys that have sharp edges, or complicated pieces or electrosex toys you may not understand or know how to use safely. Such toys demand a lot of care during use. It's important to choose only those toys that are safe and cause no lasting damage. Leave those cock cages, urethra sounds, speculums and other toys for later - once you are fully versed in the basics and know each others limits very well.
Practice before using sex toys on your partner
Some BDSM toys will require practice before you use them. Whips, floggers and canes are items I strongly recommend practicing with as they can cause permanent damage if used incorrectly. Use a pillow, your own body, or a chair to practice on before you ever take a swing at your partner. You want to make sure you understand the sting of the toy, how it swings, how it falls, it's radius of effect, and how to control it first. Spanking with your open hand is the easiest to control spanking toy and you should use it first before you consider a paddle or whip.
Enjoy the foreplay
Just like vanilla sex, foreplay is important and can be fun. Take your time to build the intensity of your session and the sessions in general over time. BDSM can easily go over the top - especially if the Dominant is not in the right mind set or emotional level to be able to control themselves and the session. Take your time and play with your toys - and your submissive.
Keep it simple
Keep your first BDSM session simple - don't try to go for a full out scene you've seen in a bondage or porn movie. Simply tying up and exploring your partners bound body can be a great first session. In vanilla sex, we often are so involved with our own pleasure that we don't notice fully what our partner likes or doesn't like. This first BDSM session can be a great time to find out. Try simply tying your partner to the bed, perhaps blindfolding him or her, and use your hands and body, feathers, vibrators and other sexual simulators on their nipples, cock or clit to tease and please them. Take the time to notice and enjoy their reactions. Then perhaps move up to strap-ons, sex swings and other fun sex toys.
Talk about it after
After your first attempt into BDSM, sit down and talk together. Did you both enjoy it? What did you like and didn't like? What would you like to try next? What do you wish your partner had done or said (or didn't do or didn't say). It can be hard to open up about your feelings and preferences about sex, so don't push right away. Wait for a few days and let the immediate excitement fade so you can openly discuss the BDSM experience.
BDSM is not for everyone and you may find it's not for you and your partner. Do not continue if you didn't both enjoy it. If you did, plan out future sessions. Shop together for new toys to explore. Read or watch bondage videos and enjoy yourselves as you learn.